


Deere Jake Dillinger

by mathsgeek314, OnceAndFloral



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Alternate Universe - Long Distance, M/M, Mentions of Allergies Jeremy, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-11-20 08:20:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11331987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mathsgeek314/pseuds/mathsgeek314, https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceAndFloral/pseuds/OnceAndFloral
Summary: Jake Dillinger has no idea who Jeremy Heere is.Jeremy Heere has no idea who Jake Dillinger is.Michael Mell wishes to fix this.





	1. I didn't need to talk about Macbeth this much

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Helpless](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11313990) by [OnceAndFloral](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceAndFloral/pseuds/OnceAndFloral). 



> Right so this is all based off of SquipGrandma's writing and ideas 
> 
> Anyway  
> I just thought I'd add something else to the Deere tag because whilst all of the content is great, more content is always good
> 
> So here you go
> 
> Also:  
> Jeremy - erasemyself  
> Michael - anewkindofstupid  
> Jake - wakeywakeyeggsandjakey  
> Brooke - LohstInThought
> 
> The others will make an appearance later but this is all you need for now
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

_ wakeywakeyeggsandjakey sent erasemyself a private message _

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** RICH SHIT

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** WHAT WAS THE HOMEWORK THAT MR WELLS SET

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** DUDE COME ON THIS IS DUE FIRST THING

 

**erasemyself:** ???

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** what?

 

**erasemyself:** firstly im not rich and secondly i dont know who mr wells is and thirdly i dont know who you are

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** wait you’re not rich????

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** FUCK HE MUST HAVE GIVEN ME THE WRONG NUMBER

 

**erasemyself:** im sorry dude

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** sorry for bothering you dude

 

**erasemyself:** dont worry

  
  
  
  


_ wakeywakeyeggsandjakey sent anewkindofstupid a private message _

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** michael

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** my love

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** my darling

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** light of my life

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** fuel to my gay ass

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** well bi ass but close enough

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** apple of my eye

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i know it’s early

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** but please tell me you’re awake

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** I JUST WANNA PASS ENGLISH MICHAEL

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** MICHAEL PLEASE

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** why must you sleep in

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** COME ON DUDE

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i give up

  
  
  
  


_ wakeywakeyeggsandjakey sent erasemyself a private message _

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** do you ever just curse the universe?

 

**erasemyself:** im still not rich

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i know i just need to vent to someone and all my friends are asleep

 

**erasemyself:** oh ok

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** is that ok???

 

**erasemyself:** yeah sure go ahead

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** so i can remember that mr wells set us homework but i can’t remember what it was

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** like i think it was an essay on lady macbeth but i don’t have a clue what about

 

**erasemyself:** shakespeares presentation of her as an unnatural woman?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** HOLY SHIT THATS IT THANK YOU RANDOM PERSON I ACCIDENTALLY MESSAGED

 

**erasemyself:** no problem?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** right so new problem

 

**erasemyself:** yeah?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** how does shakespeare present lady macbeth as an unnatural woman?

 

**erasemyself:** arent you the one whos studying the play

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** yeah but

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i don’t really get what happens

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** like i understand that the witches tell macbeth stuff and then he kills the king and then he kills other people and then he dies

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** but where does his wife come in???

 

**erasemyself:** she kinda convinces him to kill the king

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** wait what really?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** damn lady macbeth is badass

 

**erasemyself:** thats one way of putting it

 

**erasemyself:** theres a monologue in act 1 scene 5 where she talks about all this supernatural stuff though

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ????

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh wait nvm i found it

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** there’s so much stuff omg

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** thanks again random person

 

**erasemyself:** no problem

 

**erasemyself:** and you can call me jeremy if you want

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** if you hadn’t already guessed my name’s jake

 

**erasemyself:** not jakey?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i feel betrayed

 

**erasemyself:** you cant be betrayed by someone you just met

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** I FEEL BETRAYED

 

**erasemyself:** and i feel tired so im going back to sleep

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh shit dude sorry for waking you up

 

**erasemyself:** dont worry im happy that i could help

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** sleep well

 

**erasemyself:** good luck with the essay

  
  
  
  


_ erasemyself sent LohstInThought a private message _

 

**erasemyself:** hypothetically

 

**erasemyself:** if a random person messaged you by mistake and started talking about macbeth

 

**erasemyself:** what would you do in this definitely hypothetical situation

 

**LohstInThought:** Be grateful I finished studying Macbeth last semester and ignore the messages????

 

**erasemyself:** oh right

 

**LohstInThought:** And what did you do?

 

**LohstInThought:** Sorry *what would you do?

 

**LohstInThought:** Because this is definitely a hypothetical situation

 

**erasemyself:** shhhhh

 

**erasemyself:** and i gave them a bit of help with their essay

 

**erasemyself:** they seemed grateful at least

 

**LohstInThought:** I can’t believe you’d help someone with English at seven in the morning

 

**erasemyself:** ...it was like an hour ago

 

**LohstInThought:** I didn’t even know you could get up that early

 

**erasemyself:** i wouldve ignored it but i forgot to put my phone on silent and they wouldnt stop messaging me

 

**LohstInThought:** You didn’t have to help with their essay though

 

**LohstInThought:** Who is awake enough to write an essay at six in the morning????

 

**erasemyself:** the same person who didnt write their english essay until the morning before its due

 

**erasemyself:** and anyway i didnt mind

 

**erasemyself:** i love talking about macbeth

 

**LohstInThought:** I can’t believe you like Shakespeare

 

**erasemyself:** not as much as michaels friend christine

 

**LohstInThought:** Wasn’t she planning to do a one-woman performance of Romeo and Juliet at one point?

 

**erasemyself:** i dont know how but yeah

 

**LohstInThought:** You’ve got to admire her dedication

  
  
  
  
  
  


_ wakeywakeyeggsandjakey sent anewkindofstupid a private message _

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** FUCK YOU MICHAEL MELL RANDOM INTERNET GUY JEREMY IS WAY MORE HELPFUL

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Wait what? Who’s Jeremy?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** rich must have given me the wrong number when he gave me his new one bc i ended up texting this guy called jeremy

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** but he did help me with the english

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** UNLIKE SOMEBODY

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I was asleep asshole

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** YOU SHOULD BE PREPARED TO WAKE UP FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I’m sorry but sleep is my best friend now

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** are you breaking up with me

 

**anewkindofstupid:** You’re such a drama queen

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** WHAT ABOUT CHRISTINE

 

**anewkindofstupid:** She’s queen of drama but you’re the drama queen

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i wanna be offended but that was pretty good

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I write my best stuff at ass o’clock in the morning

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** like when we were talking about english kings and queens and you said “every kink has the same name”   
  


**anewkindofstupid:** I hate you

  
  
  
  


_ anewkindofstupid sent a message to The Plan _

  
**anewkindofstupid:** IT HAPPENED


	2. 5 things you didn't know about Jake Dillinger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me a while but it's one of the longest chapters I've ever written for a piece so I hope it was worth it!
> 
> Also:  
> Madeline - secretlyamodel  
> Dustin - dustdevil  
> Rich - BestBi

_ wakeywakeyeggsandjakey sent erasemyself a private message _

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** yo random guy i accidentally messaged who’s actually called jeremy

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** guess who got an a on their macbeth essay 

 

**erasemyself:** congrats dude

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** its all thanks to you dude - i never would’ve worked out what the question was let alone found where to look

 

**erasemyself:** im glad i could help

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** so how are you?

 

**erasemyself:** so were doing this?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** doing what?

 

**erasemyself:** doing the whole

 

**erasemyself:** lets talk to a stranger on the internet

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’m not a stranger

 

**erasemyself:** yes you are 

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** you know loads of stuff about me

 

**erasemyself:** i know your name and i know about your basic understanding of macbeth

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** you know that i have a friend called rich

 

**erasemyself:** oh great i know three facts about the stranger

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** everyone’s a stranger until you get to know them

 

**erasemyself:** what about if you dont want to get to know the stranger

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** dude

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i can’t believe you’d hurt me like this

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i thought we had a real connection

 

**erasemyself:** you cant have a connection with someone you just met

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ok calm down there elsa

 

**erasemyself:** this is only our second conversation jake

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** are we electing to ignore the frozen reference

 

**erasemyself:** i dont reward bad behavior

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’m a dog now???

 

**erasemyself:** i was thinking more parent and child but dog works too

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i can’t believe

 

**erasemyself:** then stop saying we have a connection and stop making outdated references

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** FROZEN WILL NEVER BE OUTDATED

 

**erasemyself:** sure jan

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** NOW THAT’S AN OUTDATED REFERENCE RIGHT THERE

 

**erasemyself:** shhhhh

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** fine

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** instead of me calling you out on your obvious hypocrisy

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i will tell you increasingly bizarre facts about myself until you know far too much about me and we can no longer be considered strangers

 

**erasemyself:** im worried about what ive signed myself up for

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** my fave color is sunset orange

 

**erasemyself:** thats kinda specific

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i like softer oranges   
  
**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** like fuck that neon shit it hurts

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** anyway

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** what about you?

 

**erasemyself:** what about me

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** what’s your favorite color?

 

**erasemyself:** i thought we were discussing bizarre facts about you

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** it’s polite to share some back

 

**erasemyself:** i guess i like the dark or pastel versions of colors like blue purple and green

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh come on dude you gotta choose one

 

**erasemyself:** i cant just choose one

 

**erasemyself:** theyre all so pretty but in completely different ways and 

 

**erasemyself:** its just so hard to pick because you cant really compare them

 

**erasemyself:** i mean of course you can compare them because theyre colors

 

**erasemyself:** but theres just so many elements to each one and that makes them so incomparable

 

**erasemyself:** like pastel purple is so different to dark blue and they produce such different emotions and

 

**erasemyself:** shit im sorry im probably boring you

 

 

 

 

_ wakeywakeyeggsandjakey sent a message to fuck you rich _

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** MACBETH GUY IS RAMBLING ABOUT WHAT HIS FAVORITE COLOR IS OMG

 

**dustdevil:** AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

 

**BestBi:** i was gonna say aww but then i remembered what this group was called

 

_ BestBi renamed the chat fuck you jake _

 

_ wakeywakeyeggsandjakey renamed the chat fuck you rich _

 

**BestBi:** i hate you

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** love you too

 

 

 

 

_ wakeywakeyeggsandjakey sent erasemyself a private message _

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** nah dude dont worry i found that really interesting

 

**erasemyself:** oh ok

 

**erasemyself:** but i still cant answer your question

 

**erasemyself:** my favorite changes all the time depending on my mood

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** then tell me which one is your favorite based on your mood right now

 

**erasemyself:** i kinda like dark green today i guess

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** yeah that is a pretty color

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** new random fact

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i really like candles

 

**erasemyself:** fun fact im kinda terrified of candles

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh dude i’m sorry

 

**erasemyself:** i just dont like the idea of the damage they can cause if you knock them over or if you leave them unattended for too long and something happens and no

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh right yeah fair enough bro

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i just think theyre really pretty

 

**erasemyself:** i can appreciate that theyre pretty i guess

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** wAIT SHIT

 

**erasemyself:** you ok?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** I JUST REALISED I’VE BEEN ASSUMING YOUR PRONOUNS ARE HE/HIM I AM SO SORRY

 

**erasemyself:** dude its chill im he him

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh ok good

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i am still sorry for assuming though

 

**erasemyself:** no worries 

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’m he/him too btw

 

**erasemyself:** ah ok cool

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ready for more bizarre facts about me

 

**erasemyself:** sure

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i like the orange candies

 

**erasemyself:** dude why do you hurt yourself like this

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** THE ORANGE FLAVORED CANDIES ARE THE BEST ONES YOU CAN FIGHT ME

 

**erasemyself:** everyone knows that the red ones are the best

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** are you doubting my amazing taste mr i don’t actually know your last time

 

**erasemyself:** its cause your taste is horrible mr i dont know yours either

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** my tASTE IS HORRIBLE?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i don’t think we can be friends anymore

 

**erasemyself:** oh

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh?

 

**erasemyself:** i thought

 

**erasemyself:** never mind

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** no wait tell me

 

**erasemyself:** its just

 

**erasemyself:** were obviously not friends

 

**erasemyself:** weve only known each other for a week

 

**erasemyself:** but i was kinda hoping we could be bc you seem like a nice dude

 

**erasemyself:** but i get it if you dont want to be friends 

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** wait shit no that wasnt what i meant

 

**erasemyself:** ?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i was just trying to make a joke

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** but it was a stupid one so i won’t say it again

 

**erasemyself:** oh

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ok?

 

**erasemyself:** ok

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** maybe ok will be our always

 

**erasemyself:** i cant believe you

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** so

 

**erasemyself:** so?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** you wanna be friends with jakey d huh?

 

**erasemyself:** jakey d????

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh whoops ignore that

 

**erasemyself:** ok???

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** anyway

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** have my random facts convinced you to be friends with me?

 

**erasemyself:** maybe

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** THEN IM GOING TO SUPPLY YOU WITH MORE RANDOM FACTS UNTIL YOU AGREE THAT WE SHOULD DEFINITELY BE FRIENDS

 

**erasemyself:** oh no

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh yES

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’m a morning person

 

**erasemyself:** WHY

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** THE SUNRISE IS PRETTY DUDE

 

**erasemyself:** YOU GET UP TO WATCH THE SUNRISE

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** sure let’s go with that

 

**erasemyself:** ??? what do you get up for then

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** definitely not to fix my hair

 

**erasemyself:** id rather sleep for another half hour tbh

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** night owl huh?

 

**erasemyself:** i wouldnt say that

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** what time did you go to sleep last night

 

**erasemyself:** like

 

**erasemyself:** 4am

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** DUDE WHY

 

**erasemyself:** …

 

**erasemyself:** i may have been watching little einsteins

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** DUDE 

 

**erasemyself:** THERE ARE SO MANY ISSUES WITH IT BUT I COULDNT STOP WATCHING AND I DONT KNOW WHY

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** you’re worse than my friend who once watched the shrek musical

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** three times in a row

 

**erasemyself:** MY FRIEND DID THAT TOO OMG

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i don’t know why either of them would torture themselves like that

 

**erasemyself:** its not terrible

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** would you watch it three times in a row?

 

**erasemyself:** well no

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** exactly

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** right so final strange fact about me

 

**erasemyself:** really

 

**erasemyself:** i thought thered be more than this

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** are you saying you thought there’d be more weird facts about me

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** are you saying you think i’m a weird guy mr jeremy insert last name heere

 

 

 

 

 

_ erasemyself sent a message to Roonil Wazlib _

 

**erasemyself:** GUYS RED ALERT RED ALERT

 

**secretlyamodel:** Oh fuck

 

**LohstInThought:** Jeremy what happened?

 

**erasemyself:** random jake internet guy just said my last name

 

**erasemyself:** “are you saying you think i’m a weird guy mr jeremy insert last name heere”

 

**secretlyamodel:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

**erasemyself:** WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM

 

**LohstInThought:** I think Mads is laughing because it was probably a typo

 

**LohstInThought:** I think he probably meant to write here

 

**erasemyself:** i dont think so guys

 

 

 

 

_ wakeywakeyeggsandjakey sent erasemyself a private message _

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** *here

 

 

 

 

_ erasemyself sent a message to Roonil Wazlib _

 

**erasemyself:** never mind he corrected himself he meant here

 

**secretlyamodel:** Am I allowed to make fun of you for this?

 

**erasemyself:** go for it

 

**LohstInThought:** It’s ok to panic Jeremy - I would panic if someone spelt lost like Lohst

 

**secretlyamodel:** Look I may think this is funny but at the same time it’s a natural reaction

 

**erasemyself:** ok

 

**LohstInThought:** Now reply to random internet guy Jake he probably thinks he’s done something wrong

 

 

 

 

_ erasemyself sent wakeywakeyeggsandjakey a private message _

 

**erasemyself:** im not saying youre a weird guy but

 

**erasemyself:** i guess everyone has lots of weird facts about themselves

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** there are lots of weird facts about myself but since many of them involve potentially embarrassing myself i’m not desperate to tell you about some of them right now

 

**erasemyself:** fair enough dude

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** time for the final weird fact

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** my weirdest group chat is called ‘fuck you rich’

 

**erasemyself:** why

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** he changed my username to wakeywakeyeggsandjakey and i got annoyed so i changed it from a trio of trouble to fuck you rich

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** then rich changed it to fuck you jake

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** and then we went back and forth until rich gave up and it was called fuck you rich

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** he tried to change it again earlier but failed

 

**erasemyself:** my weirdest group chat is called roonil wazlib

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** like

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** harry potter?

 

 

 

 

 

 

_ erasemyself sent a message to Roonil Wazlib _

 

**erasemyself:** how do i explain the name roonil wazlib to random internet guy jake

 

**secretlyamodel:** Tell him he’s your boyfriend

 

**erasemyself:** what no

 

**LohstInThought:** It was all your idea anyway

 

**erasemyself:** BROOKE

 

**LohstInThought:** I distinctly remember it being you who said “We should make fake quotes and put them around the school and sign them some weird name like...like...ROONIL WAZLIB”

 

**secretlyamodel:** I still can’t believe they never figured out that it was us

 

**LohstInThought:** My favourite quote is still “I must master the banana so I can wear the cobra as a necklace”

 

**erasemyself:** nah the best one was the only man who has ever kept a promise is rick astley

 

**secretlyamodel:** How did you come up with all of these Jere?

 

**erasemyself:** skill

 

**erasemyself:** and a couple sleepless nights where i had nothing better to do

 

**LohstInThought:** It might be best if you just tell random internet guy Jake that Madeline changed it to Roonil Wazlib without an explanation

 

**secretlyamodel:** WHY ME

 

**LohstInThought:** Because I want to appear like the better friend here

 

**secretlyamodel:** There’s nothing wrong with the name Roonil Wazlib

 

**erasemyself:** uh thanks brooke

 

**secretlyamodel:** I WAS HERE TOO

 

 

 

 

_ erasemyself sent wakeywakeyeggsandjakey a private message _

 

**erasemyself:** yeah exactly like harry potter

 

**erasemyself:** i dont know why madeline changed it to that and brooke doesnt know why

 

**erasemyself:** all i know is that its a weird name for a group chat

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** no kidding

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** shit dude i gotta run but

 

**erasemyself:** but?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** now that i’ve shared so much info with you

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** are we friends?

 

**erasemyself:** sure

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** HA YES

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ok but seriously i gotta go

 

**erasemyself:** bye

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** see ya

 

 

 

 

_ anewkindofstupid sent LohstInThought a private message _

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Brooke? It’s Michael - I got your number off Jere

 

**LohstInThought:** Hiya!

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Any chance you’d wanna join a group chat with some of my friends from school - it’s about Jeremy

 

**LohstInThought:** …

 

**LohstInThought:** Sure 

 

**LohstInThought:** Why not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it!  
> Leave a comment if you like!  
> Or come chat to me on tumblr  
> @thisiswhatmylifeamountsto
> 
> (Also credit for the line “I must master the banana so I can wear the cobra as a necklace” has to go to SquipGrandma - an amazing line btw)


	3. Jake Dillinger has a crush on BuzzFeed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me a while but I hope the length makes up for it!
> 
> Also I added a couple new tags - just thought I'd let you know!
> 
> ThespianLesbian - Christine  
> SolidTeflon - Chloe  
> GossipQueen - Jenna

_ wakeywakeyeggsandjakey sent erasemyself a private message _

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** live in the city or live in the country?

 

**erasemyself:** im sorry?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** would you rather

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** live in the city or live in the country?

 

**erasemyself:** are you a buzzfeed quiz

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** HOW DARE YOU

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i could never be close to the perfection that is a buzzfeed quiz

 

**erasemyself:** “Answer These Random Questions And We'll Tell You What Kind Of Pizza You Are”

 

**erasemyself:** PLEASE DONT TELL ME YOU LEFT TO ANSWER THAT QUIZ

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** IS MY FAVORITE DESSERT CHEESECAKE OR CHOCOLATE CAKE

 

**erasemyself:** i like crepes

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** dammit jere

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’m gonna pick cheesecake bc it’s above the crepes

 

**erasemyself:** jere?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ?

 

**erasemyself:** you called me jere?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** yeah

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh shit dude does that make you uncomfortable

 

**erasemyself:** no its nice

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ok good

 

**erasemyself:** whats the next question

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** what talent do you want the most

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i said cooking bc i want to be able to bake a cake

 

**erasemyself:** cooking is different to baking

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** is it really

 

**erasemyself:** of course it is

 

**erasemyself:** cooking requires a completely different skillset 

 

**erasemyself:** you wouldnt see them making a ravioli on gbbo

 

**erasemyself:** bc ravioli is not baking

 

**erasemyself:** the best example is that i can bake

 

**erasemyself:** but i cannot cook

 

**erasemyself:** i burnt myself making pasta yesterday

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** wait hold up

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** you CAN BAKE?

 

**erasemyself:** yeah?

 

**erasemyself:** look if youre just gonna make fun of me for it

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** no no no

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i meant it like

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** that’s so cool dude

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** like i said i wish i could bake

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** also what’s gbbo

 

**erasemyself:** im sorry what

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ?

 

**erasemyself:** do you seriously not know what gbbo is

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** no that’s why i asked you

 

**erasemyself:** oh

 

**erasemyself:** gbbo is great british bake off and its basically this really chill baking show that isnt actually that chill

 

**erasemyself:** like one time this woman took this guy’s ice cream out of the fridge or freezer or whatever so it all melted and then he chucked it all in the bin and it was really dramatic

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** holy shit

 

**erasemyself:** exactly

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** WAIT

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** STOP DISTRACTING ME FROM MY BUZZFEED QUIZ

 

**erasemyself:** fine

 

**erasemyself:** whats the next question

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** which of the pictures would i most like to visit

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oooo nice there’s a beach

 

**erasemyself:** you like the beach?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** yeah

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** the sunsets there are soooooooo pretty

 

**erasemyself:** oh yeah you like the color of sunsets dont you

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** yeah but

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i also really like them bc they remind me of my mom

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** she used to send me pics of the sunset whenever she was on a business trip

 

**erasemyself:** used to?

 

**erasemyself:** im sorry i shouldnt ask

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** no it’s ok

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i just don’t really wanna talk about it

 

**erasemyself:** ok

 

**erasemyself:** next question?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** what i normally do on days off

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i guess i see friends

 

**erasemyself:** what about an so?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ?

 

**erasemyself:** the option says see friends or so

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** YOU HAVE THE QUIZ OPEN

 

**erasemyself:** im the one who found it

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** I’M SO PROUD OF YOU YOU’RE ALL GROWN UP

 

**erasemyself:** i could be older than you

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** but you can never prove it

 

**erasemyself:** so youre just going to guess youre older

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** unless you prove me otherwise

 

**erasemyself:** thats terrible logic

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** my logic is impeccable

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** anyway

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i only said see friends bc i dont have an so

 

**erasemyself:** oh ok

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** what about you

 

**erasemyself:** what about me

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** do you have an so

 

**erasemyself:** oh 

 

**erasemyself:** no

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ok

 

**erasemyself:** so which table of food do you like

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i like the one in the top right

 

**erasemyself:** oh i prefer the one in the bottom left

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** yeah i get that

 

**erasemyself:** the blue one is nice though

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** WAIT WHY DONT YOU TAKE THE QUIZ

 

**erasemyself:** bc i dont base my life on the results of buzzfeed quizzes

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** well that makes one of us

 

**erasemyself:** jake i was kidding please dont tell me you actually do that

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** …

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** no of course not

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** MOVING ON

 

**erasemyself:** JAKE NO

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** JEREMY YES

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** come on jere

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** find out what pizza you are

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** what if someone told you that all you had to do to win a million dollars was tell them what kind of pizza you were

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** and you couldn’t tell them because you refused to take the stupid quiz

 

**erasemyself:** even you think the quiz is stupid

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** shhhhhhh

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** this quiz will be an oracle of truth

 

**erasemyself:** you havent even taken it yet how do you know

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i trust in the beauty that is buzzfeed quizzes

 

**erasemyself:** fine

 

**erasemyself:** if it makes you happy ill do it

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** YAY

 

**erasemyself:** you have to finish it first though

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh this one’s easy

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i definitely prefer the smell of freshly cut grass

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** and now the truth is revealed

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i am a

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** margarita pizza

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** that feels like a let-down

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** You're super easygoing and don't like to rock the boat too much. People can rely on you to be there for them, and you like to really think things through rather than be impulsive. You've always been told you're an old soul, and you prefer simplicity to flashiness in all aspects of life.

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ok that’s scarily accurate for a buzzfeed quiz wtf

 

**erasemyself:** from what i know of you that seems to be like you

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** hang on a minute

  
  
  
  


_ wakeywakeyeggsandjakey sent a message to The Coolest Kids™ _

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** guys i took another buzzfeed quiz

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Jake I love you but please stop

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Oooooo I love a good buzzfeed quiz

 

**BestBi:** did it tell you youre pan beyond belief

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i didn’t know you were such a comedian rich

 

**BestBi:** i try

 

**dustdevil:** Are you going to tell us or?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** so it was a quiz to find out what kind of pizza i am

 

**ThespianLesbian:** That sounds like a bit of a waste of time

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** but it was so accurate????

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** You got: Margarita

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** You're super easygoing and don't like to rock the boat too much. People can rely on you to be there for them, and you like to really think things through rather than be impulsive. You've always been told you're an old soul, and you prefer simplicity to flashiness in all aspects of life.

 

**BestBi:** ok thats pretty creepy

 

**dustdevil:** Damn buzzfeed getting something right?

 

**dustdevil:** I’m impressed

 

**ThespianLesbian:** It does sound rather accurate

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ha

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Still pointless

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** JEREMY BROUGHT IT UP OK

 

**anewkindofstupid:** So if Jeremy asked you to smoke drugs with him you would?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** hypocrite

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** and unrelated 

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** he didn’t ask me to take it

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** he didn’t want me to take it

 

**ThespianLesbian:** I like Jeremy

 

**BestBi:** ive never spoken to jeremy but i also prefer him to jake

 

**dustdevil:** Same

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** and with that i say goodbye before you break my heart even more

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Say hi to Jeremy from us

  
  
  
  
  


_ wakeywakeyeggsandjakey sent erasemyself a private message _

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** my friends agree that its accurate and also say hi

 

**erasemyself:** awwww

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** and now you must take the quiz

 

**erasemyself:** i was hoping youd forgotten

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** after how long i spent convincing you?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** definitely not forgetting any time soon

 

**erasemyself:** do i have to tell you all my answers as well

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** of course

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’m meant to be getting to know you

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** unless they’re too personal

 

**erasemyself:** no i think itll be ok

 

**erasemyself:** ill say if i dont wanna talk about something

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ok that’s chill

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** so what’s your favorite italian food which isn’t pizza

 

**erasemyself:** do you wanna try and guess

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ooooo ok

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** gnocchi and pesto?

 

**erasemyself:** nope

 

**erasemyself:** i ruled that one out right away

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** not a fan?

 

**erasemyself:** im allergic to pine nuts

 

**erasemyself:** it would not be fun if i ate it

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** right ok i see why that was an easy one to rule out

 

**erasemyself:** i think im gonna go for the tortellini

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ooo that does look nice

 

**erasemyself:** i think my major personality trait is being sensitive

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh that’s sweet

 

**erasemyself:** yeah

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** you meant that in a good way right

 

**erasemyself:** yeah yeah of course definitely absolutely positively 

 

**erasemyself:** anyway

 

**erasemyself:** OOOOOO CREPES

 

**erasemyself:** im having some right now i love crepes

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’m gonna take a wild guess and say you chose apple crumble

 

**erasemyself:** of course 

 

**erasemyself:** what heathen would choose anything else

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** so what talent makes you think 

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’d probably kill to be able to do that

 

**erasemyself:** PLEASE TELL ME IM NOT TELLING A SERIAL KILLER STUPID FACTS ABOUT MYSELF

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ok let me rephrase

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** what talent do you wish you had

 

**erasemyself:** probably to be an amazing singer

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i bet you’re already incredible

 

**erasemyself:** nah

 

**erasemyself:** like i can sing ok i guess

 

**erasemyself:** but my friend madeline has this really beautiful singing voice and i wish i could sing like her

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh yeah i get you

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** my friend christine sings like an angel honestly i would be happy just to hear her sing for the rest of my life

 

**erasemyself:** does somebody have a crush on christine

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** haha i think everyone has a crush on christine

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** nah i don’t really

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** we dated for a bit but it was a mutual break up and now she’s one of my closest friends

 

**erasemyself:** thats really sweet

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** anyway enough about me

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** this quiz is meant to be about you

 

**erasemyself:** oooo all of these pictures are so pretty

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** just like you ;)

 

**erasemyself:** im blushing right now why

 

**erasemyself:** you dont even know what i look like this is a pointless compliment

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** nope you’re definitely very pretty i guarantee it

 

**erasemyself:** jkdsjfk;lajsdf;lka

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** you ok?

 

**erasemyself:** yeah definitely fine ok yup

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ok so

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** fave pic?

 

**erasemyself:** i guess i like the one in the bottom right

 

**erasemyself:** it just seems really peaceful and the view is beautiful

 

**erasemyself:** DONT SAY IT

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** just like me ;)

 

**erasemyself:** oh

 

**erasemyself:** i wish i had that confidence

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’m sure that you’re very beautiful

 

**erasemyself:** fsjkflaj stop

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** not until you believe me

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** unless i genuinely am making you feel uncomfortable

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** then i’ll stop

 

**erasemyself:** no its ok

 

**erasemyself:** thank you

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** you’re welcome

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** next question?

 

**erasemyself:** what i normally do in my free time

 

**erasemyself:** i guess i should say stay in and relax

 

**erasemyself:** though its more stay in and worry about things whilst playing video games

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** aww dude that sucks

 

**erasemyself:** its ok 

 

**erasemyself:** i can deal

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ok

 

**erasemyself:** ok last two questions

 

**erasemyself:** like i said before i like the one in the bottom left

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** how come?

 

**erasemyself:** i dont know

 

**erasemyself:** i guess i like the white plates

 

**erasemyself:** theyre pretty

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** fair enough

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** FINAL QUESTION

 

**erasemyself:** my fave smell is cinnamon 

 

**erasemyself:** it reminds me of baking and baking is one of the things that relaxes me most

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** that’s good then

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** AND NOW IT IS TIME TO FIND OUT EXACTLY WHAT TYPE OF PIZZA JEREMY IS

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** drumroll please

 

**erasemyself:** i dont think i can do a drumroll over text

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** disappointing

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** so tell us

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** we’re dying to know

 

**erasemyself:** whos we

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** DAMMIT JEREMY TELL ME WHAT PIZZA YOU ARE

 

**erasemyself:** HOLY SHIT

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** what?

 

**erasemyself:** firstly im a vegetarian pizza

 

**erasemyself:** but

 

**erasemyself:** You're a low-key sensitive person who often tries to please everyone. You're creative and a bit of a daydreamer, and you often wonder how to put all the dreams and goals you have into action. You're deeply empathetic and are able to easily imagine yourself in another person's situation.

 

**erasemyself:** i need to check with my friends but i swear this is me

  
  
  
  
  


_ erasemyself sent a message to Roonil Wazlib _

 

**erasemyself:** so i took a buzzfeed quiz

 

**secretlyamodel:** Ooo

 

**LohstInThought:** Jeremy why?

 

**erasemyself:** …

 

**secretlyamodel:** I bet Jake asked him too

 

**erasemyself:** …

 

**LohstInThought:** JEREMY OMG

 

**erasemyself:** DONT MAKE THIS A BIG DEAL

 

**LohstInThought:** Fine fine we won’t

 

**secretlyamodel:** Now did you have a point to this conversation

 

**erasemyself:** oh right

 

**erasemyself:** do you think this is accurate

 

**erasemyself:** You're a low-key sensitive person who often tries to please everyone. You're creative and a bit of a daydreamer, and you often wonder how to put all the dreams and goals you have into action. You're deeply empathetic and are able to easily imagine yourself in another person's situation.

 

**secretlyamodel:** Holy shit

 

**secretlyamodel:** And that’s a buzzfeed quiz?

 

**erasemyself:** yeah

 

**LohstInThought:** That’s so strange

 

**LohstInThought:** Hang on

  
  
  
  


_ LohstInThought sent a message to Chloe is Regina George _

 

**LohstInThought:** Guys

 

**SolidTeflon:** Yes?

 

**GossipQueen:** yo

 

**SolidTeflon:** Say yo again I dare you

 

**GossipQueen:** YOYOYOYOYOYOYO

 

**SolidTeflon:** JENNA ROLAN

 

**LohstInThought:** GUYS

 

**SolidTeflon:** Sorry Brooke

 

**GossipQueen:** soz

 

**LohstInThought:** Do you think this is an accurate description of Jeremy

 

**SolidTeflon:** Jeremy?

 

**LohstInThought:** Friends with me and Madeline?

 

**SolidTeflon:** Madeline?

 

**GossipQueen:** my girlfriend

 

**SolidTeflon:** And you are?

 

**LohstInThought:** OH MY GOD CHLO I CAN’T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY THOUGHT YOU DIDN’T KNOW WHO JEREMY WAS

 

**SolidTeflon:** How do you know I don’t?

 

**GossipQueen:** shut up chloe

 

**SolidTeflon:** You shut up

 

**LohstInThought:** GUYS IS THIS AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF JEREMY

 

**LohstInThought:** You're a low-key sensitive person who often tries to please everyone. You're creative and a bit of a daydreamer, and you often wonder how to put all the dreams and goals you have into action. You're deeply empathetic and are able to easily imagine yourself in another person's situation.

 

**GossipQueen:** tru

 

**SolidTeflon:** Replace low-key sensitive with high-key sensitive and that’s Jeremy

 

**LohstInThought:** Thanks guys

 

**LohstInThought:** I’ll let you return to telling each other to shut up now

  
  
  
  


_ LohstInThought sent a message to Roonil Wazlib _

 

**LohstInThought:** Chloe and Jenna said that’s very accurate

 

**erasemyself:** why did you ask them they hate me

 

**LohstInThought:** That’s not true

 

**secretlyamodel:** Jenna doesn’t hate you

 

**secretlyamodel:** She just never talks to you so you’ve never really been friends

 

**erasemyself:** how do you know

 

**secretlyamodel:** She told me herself

 

**erasemyself:** really?

 

**secretlyamodel:** I’m her girlfriend she tells me everything

 

**LohstInThought:** She tells everyone everything 

 

**secretlyamodel:** True

 

**LohstInThought:** And Chloe doesn’t hate you

 

**LohstInThought:** It’s just that you’re friends with Madeline and she isn’t fond of her

 

**secretlyamodel:** Yes we know she hates my guts

 

**secretlyamodel:** The only reason she’s ok with Jenna dating me is because she needs a source of gossip

 

**LohstInThought:** Anyway

 

**LohstInThought:** Neither of them hate you ok

 

**LohstInThought:** Now go talk to Jake before he gets worried

 

**erasemyself:** oh yeah shit

 

**erasemyself:** thanks guys

  
  
  


_ erasemyself sent wakeywakeyeggsandjakey a private message _

 

**erasemyself:** ok everyone i asked said its accurate im so confused

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** now do you acknowledge the amazingness that is a buzzfeed quiz

 

**erasemyself:** no

 

**erasemyself:** i took one the other day that called me a fifty year old woman

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** you mean i’m not talking to a fifty year old woman

 

**erasemyself:** sadly not

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** damn

 

**erasemyself:** speaking of damn ive gotta go

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh ok

 

**erasemyself:** talk to you soon?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** definitely

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** see ya vegetarian

 

**erasemyself:** see ya margarita 

  
  
  


_ ThespianLesbian sent anewkindofstupid a private message _

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Michael are you sure you’re ok with all of this?

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Why wouldn’t I be?

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Michael come on I know how you feel about Jeremy

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Look it doesn’t matter how I feel about Jeremy.  As long as he’s happy

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Are you sure?

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Positive

 

**ThespianLesbian:** OK.  I’m here if you need to talk 

  
**anewkindofstupid:** OK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Hope you enjoyed it!  
> Leave a comment if you like!  
> Or come chat to me on tumblr  
> @thisiswhatmylifeamountsto


	4. The lady doesn't post enough, methinks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn't too long but I really like it
> 
> Plus more Michael!

_ erasemyself sent wakeywakeyeggsandjakey a private message _

 

**erasemyself:** hey

  
  
  


_ erasemyself sent LohstInThought a private message _

 

**erasemyself:** do you think jake might be ignoring me

 

**LohstInThought:** Why do you say that?

 

**erasemyself:** i sent him a message an hour ago and he still hasnt replied

 

**LohstInThought:** Hey Jeremy can I ask you a question?

 

**erasemyself:** ok???

 

**LohstInThought:** What time is it?

 

**erasemyself:** huh?

 

**erasemyself:** ohhhhh

 

**erasemyself:** its one in the morning

 

**erasemyself:** hes probably asleep then

 

**LohstInThought:** Just like I was

 

**erasemyself:** oh shit sorry did i wake you

 

**LohstInThought:** Yeah but it’s ok I could’ve just ignored you if I needed to.  I didn’t mind chatting.  But I do have to go back to sleep

 

**erasemyself:** yeah of course

 

**erasemyself:** thanks brooke

 

**LohstInThought:** Any time

 

**LohstInThought:** But seriously if you wake me up again I will kill you

 

**erasemyself:** ok

  
  
  


_ erasemyself sent wakeywakeyeggsandjakey a private message _

 

**erasemyself:** i just realised what the time is and that youre probably asleep

 

**erasemyself:** i mean maybe youre not asleep but you did say youre a morning person so you being asleep at one am makes sense

 

**erasemyself:** unless youre in another timezone and im just presuming youre in mine bc im a us centric ass

 

**erasemyself:** or maybe youre in america and you just dont live on the east coast bc thats totally possible and now im being east coast centric or presuming youre from another country which is so weird and stupid im sorry

 

**erasemyself:** anyway

 

**erasemyself:** sorry if i bothered you

  
  
  
  


_ wakeywakeyeggsandjakey sent anewkindofstupid a private message _

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** this guy is so adorable i actually can’t

  
  
  


_ anewkindofstupid sent ThespianLesbian a private message _

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Fun story

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Actual fun story or horrible story that you’re calling fun so I don’t get worried

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Shhhhh

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Are you gonna tell me the supposedly fun story or?

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Right yeah

 

**anewkindofstupid:** So Jake is finding Jeremy adorable and.  Nope.  Cannot deal with this today

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Do you want me to talk to him about it?

 

**anewkindofstupid:** “Hey Jake can you talk to Christine about this so I don’t have to pretend I don’t also have a crush on this guy even though I’m not meant to know who he is”

 

**ThespianLesbian:** OK let’s not send him that.  But you could always say you’re busy?

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Doing what? It’s like 6:30 in the morning

 

**ThespianLesbian:** STOP POKING HOLES IN MY PLANS

 

**anewkindofstupid:** STOP MAKING SUCH STUPID PLANS

 

**ThespianLesbian:** I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU MICHAEL

 

**anewkindofstupid:** THEN HELP BETTER

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Michael 

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Sorry I just

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I’m tired and I woke up to Jake calling Jeremy adorable and I just

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I did not think this through

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Just tell him he sounds like a lovesick puppy or something

 

**anewkindofstupid:** How about I compare him to Juliet?

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Go for it

 

**ThespianLesbian:** I think he knows who that is

 

**anewkindofstupid:** CHRISTINE 

 

**ThespianLesbian:** He got a random person he just met to help with his English paper.  I love the boy but his knowledge of English isn’t always the best

 

**anewkindofstupid:** True

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Anyway.  Thanks Christine

 

**ThespianLesbian:** No problem

  
  
  


_ anewkindofstupid sent wakeywakeyeggsandjakey a private message _

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Damn you really are lovestruck aren’t you Juliet?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** juliet?

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Please tell me you know who Juliet is

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i think christine would disown me if i didn’t

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Very true

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** she was obviously in macbeth

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Ah yes of course

 

**anewkindofstupid:** What’s the quote?

 

**anewkindofstupid:** For never was a story of more woe. Than this of Juliet and her Macbeth

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** a line of true beauty

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** wait HANG ON

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** I’M NOT LOVESTRUCK YOU ASSHOLE

 

**anewkindofstupid:** HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ONLY JUST REALISED WHAT I SAID

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** STOP LAUGHING AT ME YOU FUCKNUGGET

 

**anewkindofstupid:** HEY DON’T STEAL MY WORD I MADE UP FUCKNUGGET GIVE IT BACK

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** FUCKNUGGET FUCKNUGGET FUCKNUGGET FUCKGNUGGET

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** WAIT NO I MESSED UP THE LAST ONE

 

**anewkindofstupid:** HA

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** anyway

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’m not lovestruck

 

**anewkindofstupid:** The lady doth protest too much, methinks

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** the shithead uses too many shakespeare quotes methinks

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Is someone deflecting?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** bye michael

 

**anewkindofstupid:** No come back

 

**anewkindofstupid:** DON’T LEAVE ME

  
  
  


_ wakeywakeyeggsandjakey sent erasemyself a private message _

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** to answer your unasked question i live on the east coast so it’s nearly seven right now

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’m guessing that’s the same for you

 

**erasemyself:** oh hey

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** hey

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** and hey for earlier

 

**erasemyself:** and yeah im on the east coast

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ah ok cool

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** and yeah i was asleep when you sent that

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** go to sleep earlier dude

 

**erasemyself:** one am is nothing 

 

**erasemyself:** do i need to remind you about when i stayed up til 4 watching little einsteins

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i beg you dude please dont do that again

 

**erasemyself:** so guess what i spent wednesday night doing

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** DUDE

 

**erasemyself:** THERE ARE SO MANY PROBLEMS BUT I NEED TO WATCH EVERYTHING 

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** jere

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** please

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’m begging you

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** stop

 

**erasemyself:** time to watch some more

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** DO YOU NOT HAVE SCHOOL

 

**erasemyself:** im kidding dude im not even at home right now

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ok that’s good

 

**erasemyself:** but theres always tonight

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i can’t believe you

 

**erasemyself:** ITS IMPORTANT JAKE

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** please tell me you have a younger sibling who got you interested in it

 

**erasemyself:** …

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** a younger cousin

 

**erasemyself:** …

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** this just in jeremy is a fan of little einsteins for no apparent reason

 

**erasemyself:** HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A FAN OF LITTLE EINSTEINS THAT SHOW IS RIDICULOUS

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** …

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i have no words

 

**erasemyself:** thats handy bc i have to get to class and cant talk to you anymore

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** same dude

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’ll talk to you later

 

**erasemyself:** see ya

  
  
  


_ anewkindofstupid sent a message to The Plan _

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I think we should tell them

  
**ThespianLesbian:** Get off your phone Michael

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Hope you enjoyed!  
> Leave a comment if you like!  
> Or come talk to me on tumblr  
> @thisiswhatmylifeamountsto


	5. Never trust Michael with a plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I'm updating so randomly and rarely! But I hope you enjoy this chapter!

_ anewkindofstupid sent a message to The Plan _

 

**anewkindofstupid:** OK now that Christine has given me my phone back

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Michael I’m pretty sure Mr Reyes would’ve chucked your phone out of the window if he had to confiscate it again

 

**anewkindofstupid:** He may be the drama teacher but that doesn’t make him Ms Darbus

 

**ThespianLesbian:** I told him he reminded me of Ms Darbus the other day and I think he started crying

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Touche little theatre lover

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Stop making it sound like I’m having sex with the stage

 

**LohstInThought:** GUYS STOP I’M WITH JEREMY AND HE’S GONNA ASK ME WHAT I’M LAUGHING AT IN A MINUTE

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Just tell him you can’t read any messages from me without laughing

 

**dustdevil:** I definitely remember laughing when you told me about your crush on Rich

 

**anewkindofstupid:** TRAITOR

 

**BestBi:** aww babe you had a crush on me thats embarrassing 

 

**anewkindofstupid:** We dated for five months

 

**BestBi:** still

 

**ThespianLesbian:** GUYS

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Yes light of my life?

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Michael I love you.  I’m not the light of your life however

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I can’t believe you’d wound me like this

 

**ThespianLesbian:** YOU’RE GAY MICHAEL

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Shhhhhhhhhhhh love of my life

 

**ThespianLesbian:** MICHAEL MELL I SWEAR

 

**LohstInThought:** “Apparently Michael’s really straight for his friend Christine” “Haha sounds like Jake.  He has this really great friend called Christine too” THIS BOY I SWEAR

 

**dustdevil:** Holy shit how is he that oblivious?

 

**BestBi:** its not like jake is any better

 

**BestBi:** he is convinced that i gave him the wrong number even though me and jeremy have completely different numbers

 

**LohstInThought:** I still can’t believe this plan was so well thought-out

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I have a lot of free time

 

**ThespianLesbian:** It wasn’t exactly foolproof

 

**anewkindofstupid:** “What if they never talk to each other again?” “What if Rich actually gives Jake the wrong number?” “What if they get in a huge argument and Michael is left picking up the pieces on both sides?”

 

**ThespianLesbian:** ANY OF THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Chrissie

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Mikey

 

**anewkindofstupid:** It was a simple plan and it was executed perfectly

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Michael if you have to create a whole group chat to plan something it’s not simple

 

**anewkindofstupid:** WE MADE THIS GROUP BEFORE WE EVEN THOUGHT OF THE PLAN WE NEEDED SOMEWHERE TO PUT IDEAS WHERE JAKE WOULDN’T FIND IT

 

**ThespianLesbian:** THE SUCCESS OF THIS PLAN RESTED SOLELY ON RICH

 

**BestBi:** HEY RUDE

 

**ThespianLesbian:** I’m not saying I don’t trust you Rich it’s just that it’s very easy for someone to mess something up if they’re working alone

 

**anewkindofstupid:** HE JUST HAD TO GIVE JAKE JEREMY’S NUMBER AND PRETEND IT WAS HIS OWN IT WASN’T ROCKET SCIENCE

 

**ThespianLesbian:** WHAT IF HE GAVE HIM THE WRONG NUMBER

 

**anewkindofstupid:** WE HAD A BACK-UP PLAN

 

**ThespianLesbian:** We did?

 

**dustdevil:** We did?

 

**BestBi:** we did?

 

**LohstInThought:** I get the feeling you didn’t have a back-up plan

 

**anewkindofstupid:** How do you know I didn’t have one that I came up with myself?

 

**ThespianLesbian:** It’s not a back-up plan if you came up with it Michael

 

**anewkindofstupid:** WHY NOT?

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Your plans are stupid

 

**anewkindofstupid:** HOW DARE YOU

 

**BestBi:** your original plan was to lock them in a room together

 

**anewkindofstupid:** One stupid plan doesn’t make all my plans stupid

 

**dustdevil:** Your next plan was to invite us all out for dinner and then we’d all ditch them

 

**anewkindofstupid:** That was a perfectly good plan

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Apart from the fact that there was no feasible way all four of us would need to leave the restaurant at the same time

 

**anewkindofstupid:** WE COULD’VE LEFT AT DIFFERENT TIMES

 

**BestBi:** then we needed four different urgent excuses

 

**anewkindofstupid:** THE PHONE PLAN WAS A GOOD PLAN

 

**dustdevil:** That one was my idea

 

**anewkindofstupid:** DAMMIT DUSTIN I THOUGHT NOBODY WOULD REMEMBER THAT

 

**ThespianLesbian:** It wasn’t exactly years ago Michael

 

**LohstInThought:** Sorry to interrupt but I have some 

 

**LohstInThought:** How should I say it

 

**LohstInThought:** Important info?

 

**anewkindofstupid:** SPEAK TELL US THE IMPORTANT INFO

 

**BestBi:** DID JEREMY SAY HE LIKES ME THE MOST

 

**dustdevil:** Jeremy doesn’t even know you

 

**BestBi:** he must know of me

 

**dustdevil:** Nah

 

**BestBi:** IM IMPORTANT

 

**BestBi:** HE MUST KNOW OF ME BECAUSE JAKE THOUGHT HE WAS MESSAGING ME HA HA HA HA HA

 

**dustdevil:** You’re so sad

 

**ThespianLesbian:** WILL YOU LET THE GIRL SPEAK

 

**LohstInThought:** Thanks Christine

 

**LohstInThought:** So

 

**LohstInThought:** “Do you think Jake could ever...like me????” “It’s...possible.  Why’d you ask?” “NO REASON” Jeremy I love you but for the love of god

 

**dustdevil:** I’ve never met this kid but who does he think he’s kidding

 

**anewkindofstupid:** You can’t call him a kid Dustin he’s only three months younger than you

 

**dustdevil:** SHHHHHH

 

**BestBi:** gimme five seconds

 

**ThespianLesbian:** RICH NO COME BACK HERE WHAT ARE YOU DOING I DON’T TRUST YOU

  
  
  
  


_ BestBi sent wakeywakeyeggsandjakey a private message _

 

**BestBi:** dude do you have a crush on jeremy

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’m sorry what

 

**BestBi:** do

 

**BestBi:** you

 

**BestBi:** have

 

**BestBi:** a

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** RICH I SWEAR

 

**BestBi:** crush

 

**BestBi:** you swear you have a crush on jeremy

 

**BestBi:** ;)

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** no you hellspawn

 

**BestBi:** did you seriously just call me hellspawn

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** it felt appropriate

 

**BestBi:** so no you dont swear you have a crush on jeremy but you do have a crush on jeremy

 

**BestBi:** ;););)

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** GOODBYE RICHARD 

 

**BestBi:** i cant believe youd use my own name against me

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** it’s not even your surname it’s just your first name

 

**BestBi:** I CANT BELIEVE YOUD USE MY OWN NAME AGAINST ME

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** over-dramatic asshole

 

**BestBi:** ok but seriously dude

 

**BestBi:** what are your feelings for jeremy

 

**BestBi:** i mean you dont have to tell me if you dont want to

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** honestly dude i can’t tell you my feelings for jere

 

**BestBi:** oh ok

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** it’s not that i don’t trust you it’s just that i’m not even sure myself

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’ve only known him for a little while and i’ve never even seen his face

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** he could be some random seventy year old yknow

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i definitely could like him

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** he’s so sweet and adorable

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** but i don’t know him enough

 

**BestBi:** that makes sense bro

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’m glad bro

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** what made you ask me anyway

 

**BestBi:** gotta dash bi jake

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh you fucknugget

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** AND IM PAN YOU DOOFUS

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** YOU SHOULD’VE SAID “GOTTA DASH PAN JAKE”

  
**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** fuck you richard goranski fuck you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Hope you enjoyed!  
> Leave a comment if you like!  
> Or come talk to me on tumblr  
> @thisiswhatmylifeamountsto


	6. Never gonna give you up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe what most of this chapter is about. I'm so sorry.

_ erasemyself sent wakeywakeyeggsandjakey a private message _

 

**erasemyself:** https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** jeremy what the fuck

 

**erasemyself:** just watch it

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** if this is a rickroll i will find you and punch you

 

**erasemyself:** its not i promise

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ok fine i’m gonna trust you

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** YOU LITTLE SHIT I’M NEVER TRUSTING YOU AGAIN

 

**erasemyself:** i’m sorry?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** you’re forgiven

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** but that was a betrayal of the highest order

 

**erasemyself:** i wont do it again?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** adding question marks to all of your messages is making me trust you even less

 

**erasemyself:** ok but i do really wanna show you something

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** nope im not falling for it again

 

**erasemyself:** jake come on

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i don’t want any shame on me thank you

 

**erasemyself:** please

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** …

 

**erasemyself:** pretty please

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** …

 

**erasemyself:** pretty please with a cherry on top

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** FINE

 

**erasemyself:** YAY

 

**erasemyself:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** rip jake dillinger

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** he died doing what he hated

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** being rickrolled by his trusted companion jeremy

 

**erasemyself:** sorry again?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** don’t give me your false apologies

 

**erasemyself:** i feel bad now

 

**erasemyself:** also dillinger?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** huh?

 

**erasemyself:** jake dillinger?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh shit i didn’t mean to type that

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** any chance i can convince you it’s not my surname?

 

**erasemyself:** whats a surname i dont know what a surname is i definitely dont know what dillinger is

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** you’re the nicest person holy shit

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** so was there a video you actually you wanted to show me or was that just a cunning ruse to rickroll me twice

 

**erasemyself:** ok no there actually was a video

 

**erasemyself:** https://youtu.be/lwnFE_NpMsE

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’ve made the decision to trust you once more

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** don’t make me regret this

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** WHY HAVE I JUST OPENED A VIDEO CALLED SASSY GAY FRIEND ROMEO AND JULIET

 

**erasemyself:** oh yay the link worked

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** wait this wasn’t a joke

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** you actually want me to watch this

 

**erasemyself:** i just found it again after ages and since we technically became friends because of shakespeare it made me think of you

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** that’s really sweet dude

 

**erasemyself:** oh

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’m gonna watch it before this gets any more awkward

 

**erasemyself:** right yeah

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** THE SCARF I’M CRYING WHAT IS IT

 

**erasemyself:** wait hang on

 

**erasemyself:** OH YEAH THE SCARF

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** the opening titles look like he’s auditioning to be america’s next top model

 

**erasemyself:** true

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** “slow down crazy slow down” is this me talking to you about little einsteins

 

**erasemyself:** oh my god

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** “desperate desperate i am really desperate” fucking relatable

 

**erasemyself:** im crying these comments are better than the video

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** “i’m not buying any stockholm syndrome today thank you” me watching beauty and the beast

 

**erasemyself:** stOP

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** “i think you’re fourteen and you’re an idiot” if this was sassy pan friend i would be perfect for this role

 

**erasemyself:** i did not expect this running commentary

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** “look at your life, look at your choices” again me about you watching little einsteins

 

**erasemyself:** IT WAS ENTERTAINING YOU ASS

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** “she’s a stupid bitch” then flicks scarf over shoulder

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:**  ok i’ve decided i wanna be sassy gay friend when i grow up

 

**erasemyself:** i just expected you to laugh and enjoy it not whatever this was

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i have to make comments about anything i watch

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** tip

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** don’t watch a film with me unless you want me talking over it

 

**erasemyself:** oh

 

**erasemyself:** youre one of 

 

**erasemyself:** those people

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ok no that’s a lie

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i occasionally say stuff but mostly i appreciate that others are watching

 

**erasemyself:** ok thats less of a sin

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** talking is not a sin jere

 

**erasemyself:** talking over a film is a sin jakey

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** jakey?

 

**erasemyself:** you cant shorten jake and you called me jere and i was desperate ok

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i guess it’s in my username anyway

 

**erasemyself:** exactly

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** fine you can call me jakey

 

**erasemyself:** yay jakey

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** jeremy

 

**erasemyself:** yes jakey

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** are you gonna finish every message with jakey from now on

 

**erasemyself:** yes jakey

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i can’t believe you

 

**erasemyself:** love you too jakey

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** uh

 

**erasemyself:** shit jake im so sorry i didnt mean to say that

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** did you mean it though? 

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** like you love me as a friend

 

**erasemyself:** uh

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** you don’t have to say anything if it makes you feel uncomfortable

 

**erasemyself:** no its ok

 

**erasemyself:** of course i love you

 

**erasemyself:** at this point youre basically one of my closest friends

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh

 

**erasemyself:** sorry if i made you uncomfortable

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** no no it’s ok i just

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i love you too dude

 

**erasemyself:** oh

 

**erasemyself:** cool

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** cool

 

**erasemyself:** uh shit

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ???

 

**erasemyself:** i gotta go but

 

**erasemyself:** im happy i met you dude

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i’m happy i met you too

 

**erasemyself:** bye

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** see ya dude

  
  
  
  
  


_ erasemyself sent anewkindofstupid a private message _

 

**erasemyself:** michael

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Jeremiah

 

**erasemyself:** you know who jake is dont you

  
**anewkindofstupid:** oh fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Hope you enjoyed!  
> Leave a comment if you like!  
> Or come talk to me on tumblr  
> @thisiswhatmylifeamountsto


	7. Michael the Martyr

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this took so long but I'm back hello I hope you enjoy this chapter!

_ anewkindofstupid sent a message to The Plan _

 

**anewkindofstupid:** CODE RED CODE RED CODE RED

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Michael none of us know what code red means

 

**BestBi:** mountain dew

 

**LohstInThought:** Code red is pretty good

 

**anewkindofstupid:** MOUNTAIN DEW RED IS SO MUCH BETTER YOU DUMB FUCKS

 

**dustdevil:** And here you can see the rare Michael Mell spinning into insanity

 

**BestBi:** this is why i like dustin the most

 

**LohstInThought:** Rich.  You wound me.  I thought we had bonded over our love for the lion king

 

**BestBi:** BROOKE THAT WAS OUR SECRET

 

**LohstInThought:** YOU BETRAYED ME RICH WHEN YOU SAID YOU LIKED DUSTIN BEST

 

**ThespianLesbian:** GUYS AS GOOD A FILM AS LION KING IS MAYBE WE SHOULD PAY ATTENTION TO MICHAEL HE’S BEEN TYPING FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES NOW

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Right so there’s a slim possibility that Jeremy might have worked out that I know Jake and I have no idea how because I swear I never said anything so firstly I’m gonna blame everything on Jake.  Secondly I would like to say that I was shocked and so I accidentally confirmed it by saying oh fuck which was really stupid and I am really sorry about that.  Thirdly I don’t have to drag you guys into it if you don’t want me to apart from Rich because Rich was the one who gave Jake the fake Jeremy number so sorry buddy but you’re gonna have to be in trouble with Jeremy too dude.  Finally I guess I’m sorry that this went like this I swear I didn’t want Jeremy to find out like this I wanted to surprise them both and yeah.

 

**ThespianLesbian:** I told you this wasn’t a good idea

 

**dustdevil:** Christine now is not the time

 

**anewkindofstupid:** No she’s right there were so many ways this could’ve gone wrong.  I’m really sorry

 

**BestBi:** dude its ok we all knew what we were getting into

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Wait no Michael I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that we all agreed to this plan and we all knew the possible consequences

 

**ThespianLesbian:** And don’t you dare put the blame on just yourself.  We’re all a part of this as much as you are so don’t go and make yourself a martyr

 

**LohstInThought:** Michael you’re a great guy and all but kindly what the fuck?

 

**LohstInThought:** We all had some part in this no way are you taking the blame for all of this

 

**dustdevil:** Seriously bro it’s ok

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Thanks guys

 

**LohstInThought:** And if you don’t wanna have to explain it all to Jeremy I’m sure any of us would be happy to do so

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Thanks for offering Brooke but I think I should do it.  I’m his best friend and this plan was all my idea anyway

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Good luck Michael.  And if you blame just yourself I will have a lot of angry words for you

 

**anewkindofstupid:** At least five?

 

**ThespianLesbian:** At least five

 

**BestBi:** damn michael thats a lot of angry words you better not blame yourself

 

**dustdevil:** You’re all such nerds

 

**anewkindofstupid:** OK time to face the music

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Good luck!

 

**dustdevil:** I’m sure it’s gonna be fine but good luck anyway

 

**LohstInThought:** I’m sure he’ll be ok with it! Good luck!

 

**BestBi:** break a leg 

 

**BestBi:** That’s what the sports say right?

 

**ThespianLesbian:** YOU BETTER BE KIDDING GORANSKI

  
  
  


_ erasemyself sent anewkindofstupid a private message _

 

**erasemyself:** so you admit it?

 

**erasemyself:** you know who jake is?

 

**erasemyself:** michael???

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Sorry

 

**anewkindofstupid:** And yeah I know who Jake is

 

**anewkindofstupid:** He’s one of my closest friends

 

**erasemyself:** why didnt you tell me

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Would you believe me if I told you that I didn’t realise?

 

**erasemyself:** michael it may have taken a while for me to work it out but im not stupid 

 

**anewkindofstupid:** OK fine I knew

 

**erasemyself:** so why didnt you tell me

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I knew from the start but I didn’t tell you because I wanted to surprise you

 

**erasemyself:** oh

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I never wanted to hurt you.  I just wanted to be able to tell you that your friend who lives far away from you doesn’t actually live that far because I thought it would make you really happy

 

**erasemyself:** oh

 

**erasemyself:** i guess that makes sense

 

**erasemyself:** but how did you know from the start

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I worked it out?

 

**erasemyself:** the question mark at the end makes me doubt that

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Ok I’ll tell you but just know I am really sorry about how this worked out

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Christine, Dustin, Rich and I came up with a plan to get you and Jake talking because I thought that you two would get on but I was worried that you would feel awkward if I just got you two to talk so when Rich got a new phone I convinced him to give your number to Jake, pretending that it was his.  Then if you two started talking, great.  If you didn’t, I’d probably just introduce you normally and hope it worked out.  I just thought that this was a way where you could get to know each other without having the whole “my friend likes you so I have to like you too” thing.  I really am sorry you found out like this.  I wanted to tell you and explain everything before you started getting confused.  I’m sorry

 

**erasemyself:** oh

 

**erasemyself:** so you were only doing it to help me?

 

**erasemyself:** not trick me or anything?

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Dude of course not I’d never trick you like that

 

**erasemyself:** i guess im not too angry then

 

**erasemyself:** im annoyed you kept me in the dark and partially manipulated the situation but i have enjoyed talking to jake and you had good intentions

 

**anewkindofstupid:** So you forgive us?

 

**erasemyself:** i will eventually

 

**anewkindofstupid:** That’ll do

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I know I’ve said it lots but it’s still true.  I really am so sorry especially since we hurt you

 

**erasemyself:** its ok

 

**erasemyself:** its not like jake was lying to me or anything

 

**erasemyself:** he wasnt right?

 

**anewkindofstupid:** No no don’t worry.  Jake knows just as much as you did

 

**erasemyself:** oh ok

 

**erasemyself:** WAIT HANG ON DOES BROOKE KNOW ABOUT THIS

 

**anewkindofstupid:** What makes you say that?

 

**erasemyself:** she always giggles whenever i talk about jake and at first i thought she was laughing at me or something but maybe she was laughing about how she knew what was going on

 

**anewkindofstupid:** ...dammit Brooke

 

**erasemyself:** BROOKE DID KNOW

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Please don’t get angry at her though because she didn’t even help come up with the idea or anything and we all thought you’d be happy when we told you

 

**erasemyself:** ok im not angry at her but im still a little bit annoyed

 

**anewkindofstupid:** OK that’s fair

 

**erasemyself:** mmm

 

**anewkindofstupid:** So

 

**erasemyself:** what

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Can I ask how you figured out that I knew Jake?

 

**erasemyself:** oh right

 

**erasemyself:** in brief jake is an idiot

 

**anewkindofstupid:** A well-known fact but please expand

 

**erasemyself:** he called himself jake dillinger in a message to me

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I can’t believe him that kid is a fucking idiot

 

**erasemyself:** so i googled his name and i came across this article about him raising a bunch of money for his school

 

**erasemyself:** which just so happened to be the school that you go to

 

**erasemyself:** and it even had a handy picture

 

**erasemyself:** and the picture was of a guy

 

**erasemyself:** yknow that one guy you made me talk to at that dance you made me go to and the guy  i never even got the name of and also the guy i mentioned was cute when we were leaving

 

**erasemyself:** at that point i dont think i could have written it off as a coincidence

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Yeah that’s fair.  Also when this is all over I’m going to give Jake a lecture about strangers online

 

**erasemyself:** you once sent a picture of yourself to someone having known them for a grand total for two minutes

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Anita was a very nice sixty year old thank you

 

**erasemyself:** jkslad;jf;alksdf his name was brian and he wanted to jack off to your face

  
**anewkindofstupid:** WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I refuse to apologise for that ending  
> Thanks for reading!  
> I hope you enjoyed it!  
> Leave a comment if you like!  
> Or come talk to me on tumblr  
> @thisiswhatmylifeamountsto


	8. Michael Mell Messed Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I am so sorry that these updates are so slow!
> 
> But I hope you enjoy this new chapter!

_ anewkindofstupid sent a message to The Plan _

 

**anewkindofstupid:** CODE GREEN CODE GREEN

 

**ThespianLesbian:** FOR THE LAST TIME MICHAEL NONE OF US KNOW WHAT THESE CODES MEAN

 

**dustdevil:** Obviously we all know that code green is code for everything being ok and Jeremy not completely hating every single one of us

 

**anewkindofstupid:** ...are you ever just really scared of Dustin?

 

**LohstInThought:** Dustin I love you but come on guys he was so bluffing

 

**BestBi:** no way

 

**BestBi:** dustin is totally psychic

 

**BestBi:** like remember that time he worked out that i was craving ghost pepper cheese cubes before i said what i was craving

 

**anewkindofstupid:** You’re literally always craving ghost pepper cheese cubes because apparently you’re some sort of masochist

 

**BestBi:** THEYRE REALLY GOOD YOU PEPPER HATER

 

**LohstInThought:** I’m sorry what

 

**ThespianLesbian:** ??? You ok Brooke?

 

**LohstInThought:** What the hell is a ghost pepper cheese cube

 

**anewkindofstupid:** What the hell is a hufflpeuff

 

**dustdevil:** A hufflepuff?

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Michael stop referencing AVPM

 

**anewkindofstupid:** AVPM is art and I shall reference it as much as I want

 

**LohstInThought:** WHAT THE FUCK IS A GHOST PEPPER CHEESE CUBE YOU DIMWITS

 

**dustdevil:** It’s basically how it sounds

 

**dustdevil:** Cheese cubes with ghost pepper thrown in for a little extra kick

 

**dustdevil:** Or I guess a lot extra kick

 

**BestBi:** AND THEYRE REALLY NICE

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Fucking masochist

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Wait shit no off-topic

 

**BestBi:** ???

 

**BestBi:** ghost pepper cheese cubes are never off topic

 

**anewkindofstupid:** They are now

 

**BestBi:** fucking rude

 

**anewkindofstupid:** ANYWAY EVERYTHING IS CHILL AND JEREMY ISN’T TOO ANGRY AND YAY

 

**LohstInThought:** YAY!!!!!!!!

 

**ThespianLesbian:** YAY!

 

**BestBi:** yay

 

**dustdevil:** YAYYYYYYYY

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I feel like Rich’s yay was significantly less enthusiastic

 

**BestBi:** i cant believe none of you want to talk about ghost pepper cheese cubes 

 

**dustdevil:** You’re such a loser I can’t believe you

 

**BestBi:** youre such a loser i cant believe you

 

**dustdevil:** Really?

 

**BestBi:** really

 

**dustdevil:** Rich

 

**BestBi:** dustin

 

**dustdevil:** Oh

 

**BestBi:** oh?

 

**dustdevil:** I thought you were copying me

 

**BestBi:** why would i do that

 

**dustdevil:** I don’t know

 

**BestBi:** i dont know

 

**dustdevil:** YOU LITTLE SHIT

 

**BestBi:** YOU LESS LITTLE SHIT

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Uh guys?

 

**dustdevil:** Yes?

 

**BestBi:** michael love of my life

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Call me that again I dare you

 

**BestBi:** michael light of my life

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Better

 

**BestBi:** im glad ive been approved

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Are the girls still here?

 

**LohstInThought:** I never left

 

**LohstInThought:** Dustin and Rich are v entertaining

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Christine?

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Sorry yes I’m here!

 

**anewkindofstupid:** So I have a question for all of you

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Do you think we should tell Jake about this?

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Oh

 

**LohstInThought:** Um I don’t really know Jake so should I not answer this?

 

**anewkindofstupid:** No no no I definitely wanna hear your opinion Brooke

 

**dustdevil:** Well what do you think Michael?

 

**BestBi:** ^^^^^

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I think we should tell him.  I don’t think it’s fair for Jeremy to know but not Jake

 

**dustdevil:** Jake is gonna have to find out eventually and it’s gonna be worse the longer we leave it

 

**LohstInThought:** I agree

 

**LohstInThought:** I think someone should talk to him

 

**BestBi:** i think we should tell him

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Ok so we all agree that we should tell Jake

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I’m happy to do it if that’s what you guys want

 

**dustdevil:** Only if you’re sure Michael.  It’s not fair to make you tell someone the whole story again especially if you don’t want to

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Like I said before this plan was my idea.  I should be the one to tell him.  Thanks for offering though Dustin

 

**ThespianLesbian:** You’re sure Michael?

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Yes.  He needs to know and I think it’s only fair that I tell him

 

**BestBi:** thanks bro

 

**anewkindofstupid:** no problem bro

 

**LohstInThought:** Good luck Michael!

 

**dustdevil:** I’m sure it’ll be fine

 

**ThespianLesbian:** Good luck! And remember to tell us how it goes!

 

**BestBi:** good luck dude

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Thanks guys

  
  
  
  


_ anewkindofstupid sent wakeywakeyeggsandjakey a private message _

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Yo Jake

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** michael

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** PLEASE DONT TELL ME YOURE HERE TO REMIND ME OF SOMETHING IMPORTANT IVE FORGOTTEN

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I’m not here to remind you of something important you’ve forgotten?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** oh ok that’s good

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Why would I be?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i don’t know i just always worry i’ve forgotten something

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Yeah that’s fair

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Wait no hang on I do need to say something

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** ...ok?

 

**anewkindofstupid:** So you know Jeremy?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** my jeremy?

 

**anewkindofstupid:** What other Jeremy is there?   
  


**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** isn’t your best friend called Jeremy or something

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Oh 

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Right

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Yeah

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** michael are you ok?

 

**anewkindofstupid:** This is gonna sound really weird and you may not believe me but I promise it’s true

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** uh ok????

 

**anewkindofstupid:** The Jeremy that you’ve been talking to and my best friend Jeremy are the same person

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** michael what the fuck

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** having the same name doesn’t make them the same person

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Dude I’m serious

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** you’ve never even talked to jeremy before

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** my jeremy i mean

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Then how do I know his username thing is erasemyself

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i 

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** probably told you at some point

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i still don’t believe you

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Fine

 

_ anewkindofstupid sent a photo _

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Does this photo of us geeking out over the sequel to Apocalypse of the Damned convince you?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** but

 

**anewkindofstupid:** And I’m certain they’re the same person because I’m the one that convinced Rich to give you Jeremy’s number in the first place

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** what

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Do you remind that guy you met at the last dance? Pale, dark hair, extremely nervous

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** yeah but what’s that got to d

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** YOURE KIDDING

 

**anewkindofstupid:** That was Jeremy

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** WHAT THE FUCK MICHAEL

 

**anewkindofstupid:** And when both of you told me how cute you found the other

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** he called me cute????

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Yes he did.  He called you cute at least three times.  But anyway.  After that Rich Dustin Christine and I came up with a plan to get you two talking

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** and that’s why rich gave me the wrong number

 

**anewkindofstupid:** That’s why Rich gave you the wrong number

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** Well fuck

 

**anewkindofstupid:** Are you ok?

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** not really no

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** some shithead just told me i’ve been talking to his best friend without realising it and that he orchestrated all of it and

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** honestly michael what the everloving fuck

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I’m sorry.  I thought it was a good way to get you two to talk and then when I told you it’d be this really cool surprise like “oh wow I can’t believe we’ve been so close to each other”.  I am well aware that I was very wrong

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** no shit

 

**anewkindofstupid:** I really am sorry

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** can you just

 

**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** i just don’t wanna talk to you right now i’m sorry

 

**anewkindofstupid:** No no I get it it’s fine

  
**wakeywakeyeggsandjakey:** thank you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry about the lack of Jeremy and Jake interaction recently but the group had to come clean about what they did
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> I hope you enjoyed!  
> Leave a comment if you like!  
> Or come talk to me on tumblr  
> @thisiswhatmylifeamountsto

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this!  
> Leave me a comment if you like!  
> Or come visit me on tumblr  
> @thisiswhatmylifeamountsto


End file.
